His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
