Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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