You smell like stripper and shame
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
