so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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