You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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