I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
