He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
