Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
