Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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