Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
