My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
