isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
