I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
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Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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