So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
