it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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