I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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