Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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