he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
