She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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