i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
