Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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