he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
