I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"