Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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