Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
