do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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