My liver just broke up with me...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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