Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
