I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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