You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.