Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
whose parrot is this?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Randomize
