Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
