Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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