I can tuck mytits in my pants
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
