You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
