i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
