Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Will exercising make me less horny?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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