Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
