I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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