oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
