I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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