More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
