a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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