I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
