Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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