You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
