So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
