I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
