my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
