Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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