It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
