I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
