Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
